"______,
"'But the special quality of this place
for the man who arrives there on a
September evening… is that he feels
envy toward those who now believe
they have once before lived an evening
identical to this and who think they
were happy, that time' --I. Calvino
"I keep poring over our exchange again and again as if it were some Hermetic text with secret and labyrinthine meanings. Feelings of disconnect from the destinations I imagined and the places we have landed disorient me constantly, and I fear that to a large extent my lucid sense of self has dissolved in this morass of silences and miscommunications. Often in our life together and in our subsequent correspondences you have called me a dreamer--a term that I have always struggled to hear without resentment and to interpret any way other than as dismissive or willfully offensive. My dreams and fantasies (I call them merely goals) have been the only things that get me moving every day, that ignite the spark of motivation to continue working in the face of crippling self-doubt, a paralyzing ethics, insurmountable debt, and the endless march of days almost uniformly faceless in their identical eventlessness.
…
"I have shared so much of myself with you that I have begun to forget that our hearts do not beat in time, yet there is so much of me that you still do not know. That I have taken so long to open up completely and only for so brief a time is my greatest regret in all of this, but it was an era that I needed to break down the walls I have built of so many perceived failures in order to guard myself from the banal superficialities of extroversion that can cut so deeply for one as sincere as I strive to be. I still have so much to share. You say that you have grown so much knowing me and in our time together, and your words there are an elation that erases almost entirely my apprehensions of shortcoming in our history. But looking to the future from such a height how can I convey the crushing feeling that I would now, I guess from your actions, only stifle you completely?
…
"Following these months of solitary reflection, I discovered no alchemy to our exchanges--no science to love. There is no hidden meaning or algorithm to our conversation. I understand now that periodically and without apparent reason or hesitation even the poles of the Earth reverse direction, and so too sometimes do those of our hearts.
"All of my love regardless,
_______"
"'But the special quality of this place
for the man who arrives there on a
September evening… is that he feels
envy toward those who now believe
they have once before lived an evening
identical to this and who think they
were happy, that time' --I. Calvino
"I keep poring over our exchange again and again as if it were some Hermetic text with secret and labyrinthine meanings. Feelings of disconnect from the destinations I imagined and the places we have landed disorient me constantly, and I fear that to a large extent my lucid sense of self has dissolved in this morass of silences and miscommunications. Often in our life together and in our subsequent correspondences you have called me a dreamer--a term that I have always struggled to hear without resentment and to interpret any way other than as dismissive or willfully offensive. My dreams and fantasies (I call them merely goals) have been the only things that get me moving every day, that ignite the spark of motivation to continue working in the face of crippling self-doubt, a paralyzing ethics, insurmountable debt, and the endless march of days almost uniformly faceless in their identical eventlessness.
…
"I have shared so much of myself with you that I have begun to forget that our hearts do not beat in time, yet there is so much of me that you still do not know. That I have taken so long to open up completely and only for so brief a time is my greatest regret in all of this, but it was an era that I needed to break down the walls I have built of so many perceived failures in order to guard myself from the banal superficialities of extroversion that can cut so deeply for one as sincere as I strive to be. I still have so much to share. You say that you have grown so much knowing me and in our time together, and your words there are an elation that erases almost entirely my apprehensions of shortcoming in our history. But looking to the future from such a height how can I convey the crushing feeling that I would now, I guess from your actions, only stifle you completely?
…
"Following these months of solitary reflection, I discovered no alchemy to our exchanges--no science to love. There is no hidden meaning or algorithm to our conversation. I understand now that periodically and without apparent reason or hesitation even the poles of the Earth reverse direction, and so too sometimes do those of our hearts.
"All of my love regardless,
_______"
No comments:
Post a Comment